The Price For True And Lasting Love
The price for true and lasting love is way beyond what most of us are willing to pay. In fact, our entire culture is dead-set against us ever finding this experience of total rapture in a relationship. As you are about to see, you are probably among those who are actually running away from the very kind of relationship experience that you say and believe you really want.
The price for love is your unwavering willingness to feel your whole heart. This means all of its pain, all of its delight. To close your heart to its potential for pain is to deny yourself of its potential for delight. Check out the heartbreaking plays Eugiene O’niel and really FEEL your way through them. Read the dismal masterpiece that is TS Elliot’s The Wasteland and listen deeply to Bob Dylan's Desolation Row. See the movie of John Steinbeck's masterpiece Of Mice and Men. Go back to Romeo and Juliet. These artists instinctively knew that the only way to open themselves to the heavenly beauty of an artistic truth was to descend into the depths of the heart’s potential for despair. Tragically, many such artists found that they could not handle the lows and succumbed to self-destructive intoxicants to escape the depression, but not before they had gone down far enough to soar into miraculous beauty.
All true spiritual progress is rooted in the growth of compassion, and compassion is rooted in your ability to receive and recognize the depths of pain another is in, no matter how much it hurts you to experience that much openness.
Whatever you do to run away from or numb yourself to the depths of heart-pain diminishes your capacity to experience a heart filled with love and joy. We do many things to run away from love’s depths. When you try to control another person to protect you from feeling the pain of sorrow, insecurity, anger or loss, you are attempting to use that person to protect you from feeling. To the degree that you succeed in this, you succeed in turning that relationship into a bland and lifeless charade. See how common this is. Look at how parents attempt to control their children in an effort to protect themselves from feeling emotionally disturbed or even broken hearted.
You will never know the joy of a full heart until your heart breaks to its ultimate depths, and you allow yourself to live with full consciousness in that. This is the price for love, and our resistance to this plunge is the reason why there is such a lack of love and so much hatred on the planet.
We use drugs and alcohol to numb our discomfort andpain, to flee from our heart. Here is a true statement you might find difficult to accept. To the extent that you use any form of intoxication to ease your anxiety, unhappiness or lack of fulfillment in life, to that degree you doom yourself to a dead relationship, or to an inevitable relationship breakup. Of course “everybody is doing it”, but that does not make it a valid path to the true and lasting love you say you want in your marriage.
Your ability to indulge deeply in your most devastating emotional states equals your ability to appreciate true beauty, to express true beauty, and to feel true beauty at the highest of heights. To the extent that you repress, numb or run away from those situations that trigger deep emotional discomfort or pain, to that extent you rob yourself of the experience of living and loving life wholeheartedly.
You might use positive thinking as your "cocaine" to get you out of your inner pain. This produces the same result as using drugs or alchohol or self-degrading sex to numb you out. If you are on a quest to feel good all of the time you are on a quest of a life unlived, a kind of living death in which you will go through the motions without feeling any meaning from it all. There is no path through life that is permanently positive, and there is no person or situation in life that will give you permanent positivity. But if you would like to feel a level of joy, gratitude, love, beauty, peace, ecstasy, meaning and fulfillment that is absolutely immeasurable, the way is through opening to how you feel, however you feel.
If you want a truly loving relationship that grows more and beautifully alive, be willing to fully and freely experience the depth of your loneliness, the despair of feeling unloved and unimportant, the crushing loss of your sense of significance and self-worth. Most people believe the whole point of finding a companion is to free and protect them from this pain. But that has never worked. Everyone in your life will fail you if you count on them for this. They must. At best you will find a way to live with another person in a semi-conscious, half-lived way that doesn’t make waves. This can be described as emotional flatlining.
Whether you are in a relationship or not, the way to the relationship you say that you want is through your willingness to develop the inner strength to witness your deepest pain, the level of pain that makes you not want to live through it. When you can pass through that kind of despair, openly, fully, consciously, you will ultimately discover the beauty in it, the gift of it. You will witness pain and pleasure uniting at their crescendo of extremes. You will not seek to control people, but rather seek only to experience what you feel, fully and freely, and realize that the more pain you experience with someone the more love there is to harvest in that relationship.
This doesn’t mean that it is wise or necessary to remain with people who abuse you. But you will find yourself unable to depart from abusive relationships as long as you close your heart to how it wants to feel. You will simply continue to attract others who blame you for their pain, instead of opening their heart to the pain for love. And you will continue to try to change other people to keep you from feeling your feelings, even when they engage in malevolent behavior toward you.
You don’t have to seek out painful experiences for love. Your life will take care of your progress. This happens when you find yourself feeling angry at another driver on the road. The next time that happens, open up to all of your pain instead of attacking that driver verbally, mentally or physically.
Our culture is based on the lie that you can purchase something, get famous enough, achieve a position of enough prestige to save you from the devastation of a demolished heart. What the culture is preaching is heartlessness, not heart-fullness.
The price to pay for true and lasting love may seem to much for you. Now that you understand what it is – you always understood this, you just didn’t want to face it – you may realize that you don’t want that much love after all. You don’t want that much life. You would rather live life on the surface, numbed out, repressed, dissociated from reality. You want to make this life as easy as you can make it, feeling as little as possible, living in your head instead of your heart, resisting your soul’s urge to experience whole-hearted love and life. As Bob Dylan puts it, “You want a watered down love. "Many, if not the vast majority of us, are making this choice everyday.
You can have a half-hearted relationship with another, which is a somewhat heartless existence, if you choose. But no real artist can choose this. All the beauty we crave can only be experienced wholeheartedly. No genuine spiritual seeker can choose it. The whole truth can only be experienced wholeheartedly. No authentic lover can choose it, because this is the path that runs from love.
You can have your beer, wine, whiskey or pot. You can engage in endless chatter and frenetic activity until your mind is dizzy. You can complain, criticize and try to control everyone around you, making it their job to keep you from feeling the pain you are capable of feeling. Obviously you can do this. And to you, the cost may not be that high. All it costs you is true and lasting love.
In my phone-coaching I guide individuals safely through the deepest levels of feeling, releasing the highest levels of love, joy and fulfillment for the manifestation of abundance, success and relationship miracles. The process is called The Method . Contact me to learn more, or to invite me to your group to present a keynote or workshop on this topic. Remember: the more you feel, the more you heal.